Never Ending

I was an oppressed child, so I don’t handle conflict well at all. Actually, let me rephrase that, I don’t deal with conflict at all. Any time that I find myself in a conflicting situation, I freeze, or I walk away.

The past two years, life in general has felt overwhelmingly conflicting. So, I’ve been hiding out. Other than social media, I’ve isolated myself from other people completely. I’m lucky enough to be able to do that. I have all the support I need to stay home and work on myself until I feel ready to take on the world again. The thing is that I’m not sure when that will be.

My anxiety has been through the roof lately and it triggers my depression, or vice versa, I’m not sure. I’ve been reading a lot about psychology and the way the brain works because I really want to understand why I just can’t seem to get past all the trauma I’ve been through. Why do I keep relapsing? It makes me feel powerless.

I’ve medicated, I’ve been to therapy, and I written about my struggles (my entire previous blog was about that). I’ve even reached a point where I believed I’d gotten past them but I haven’t and it makes me feel like a fraud (as though all the positive things I wrote here were lies I told myself because I wanted so badly to be “better”).

Last month marked twenty seven years since my father died. That realization brought back so much of what I went through growing up that I’ve felt guilty since because I’ve lived all of my life not getting past it.

Where does it end? How much longer will the past have a grip on the present? I know I’m smart, capable, worthy of anything that I want to pursue but why doesn’t my brain understand that? What am I missing?

Why is mental illness so paralyzing and why do I keep regressing?

It’s taken a lot just to write this and even now, I’m not sure I want to publish it because I don’t write for pity, I write to understand the things that are going on in my head and so that if someone out there feels the same way, then they can see that they are not alone in it and because writing makes me feel less alone, too.

IMG_8142

I just have this happy personality and a sad soul in one body. It just feels weird sometimes.-Unkown

❤ ,

Mari

Captured Forever

IMG_8399

Photography is a way of feelings, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever…it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.-Aaron Siskind

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday,

Photography

Life has been quite busy for me these past few weeks; my hands have been full with a friend’s wedding, preparing for one of my niece’s fifteenth birthday party, a new furry baby, and photography projects but I will get back to regular posts soon. In the meantime, here is the latest sunrise I captured some mornings ago.

12795118_10206196834785741_2756537195609685584_o

Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… it remembers little things long after you have forgotten everything.-Aaron Siskind

Happy Tuesday,

❤ ,

She Loved The Sea

IMG_2026.jpg

She loved the sea. She liked the sharp salty smell of the air, and the vastness of the horizons bounded only by a vault of azure sky above. It made her feel small, but free as well.―George R.R. Martin

❤ ,

Winter

IMG_0509

I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape-the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn’t show.-Andrew Wyeth

Have a great evening, everyone.

Fall in Love

I fall in love with open roads on cloudy days,
IMG_0486

trees with their bare branches,

IMG_0484

the flight of ravens,

IMG_0453

and winter landscapes…

IMG_0467

I heard a winter tree in song, It’s leaves were birds one hundred strong, And all at once it ceased to sing … For every leaf had taken wing.-Mervyn Peake

❤ ,