Never Ending

I was an oppressed child, so I don’t handle conflict well at all. Actually, let me rephrase that, I don’t deal with conflict at all. Any time that I find myself in a conflicting situation, I freeze, or I walk away.

The past two years, life in general has felt overwhelmingly conflicting. So, I’ve been hiding out. Other than social media, I’ve isolated myself from other people completely. I’m lucky enough to be able to do that. I have all the support I need to stay home and work on myself until I feel ready to take on the world again. The thing is that I’m not sure when that will be.

My anxiety has been through the roof lately and it triggers my depression, or vice versa, I’m not sure. I’ve been reading a lot about psychology and the way the brain works because I really want to understand why I just can’t seem to get past all the trauma I’ve been through. Why do I keep relapsing? It makes me feel powerless.

I’ve medicated, I’ve been to therapy, and I written about my struggles (my entire previous blog was about that). I’ve even reached a point where I believed I’d gotten past them but I haven’t and it makes me feel like a fraud (as though all the positive things I wrote here were lies I told myself because I wanted so badly to be “better”).

Last month marked twenty seven years since my father died. That realization brought back so much of what I went through growing up that I’ve felt guilty since because I’ve lived all of my life not getting past it.

Where does it end? How much longer will the past have a grip on the present? I know I’m smart, capable, worthy of anything that I want to pursue but why doesn’t my brain understand that? What am I missing?

Why is mental illness so paralyzing and why do I keep regressing?

It’s taken a lot just to write this and even now, I’m not sure I want to publish it because I don’t write for pity, I write to understand the things that are going on in my head and so that if someone out there feels the same way, then they can see that they are not alone in it and because writing makes me feel less alone, too.

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I just have this happy personality and a sad soul in one body. It just feels weird sometimes.-Unkown

❤ ,

Mari

6 thoughts on “Never Ending

  1. “because writing makes me feel less alone”
    Sometimes I think that’s the entire reason I’m drawn to write. In the age of climate change, nukes in reach of itchy fingers, mass shootings, and rampant injustice, I wonder if it’s loneliness that will ultimately kill us as a species. Isn’t that something? People people everywhere, and many of us are lonely anyway.
    Thanks for your honesty, dear lady.

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