Sometimes, I get curios about what it is that people mean by “I want you to know Jesus”. How did they reach the conclusion that I don’t already know him? But I don’t want to have to defend my stance on it, so I let them go on about how I should know him as they do.
If you have been following my blog since I used to write on my previous one, you know a lot about me, possibly more than even people I know in the “real” world, because I openly shared a lot about myself on that blog-and even on this one, though not to the same extent.
Writing on that blog was life changing, as was the decision to delete it. There were times when I’d sit at my desk and just write until I felt empty of all the words that I needed to say. But there were also times when I’d get halfway through what I intended to write and break down because it would get to be too painful. Writing seemed to magnify the extent to which those experiences continued to influence me and it led me back to the darkest places I’ve been in.
But in spite of that, I kept on writing because I discovered that it was a way to finally validate the things that I had been through. Once they were written, those things were no longer only in my head, they were real! Reading my own words on this screen helped me become objective about what I’d been through and it also helped me recognize that I had a right to feel however I needed to feel about them-as long as I allowed myself to process those feelings so that I could finally free myself from those experiences for good.
Each post in which I shared a meaningful experience was a process and when I’d reach the point where I could re-read those posts and they no longer stirred up any emotions inside me, I knew that the purpose of my writing them had been fulfilled.
And so, I kept on writing. Sometimes, I might have over-shared but that is what it took to get me to where I am today.
Letting go of the things that had weighed heavily on me for so long that I couldn’t remember what it was like to live without their burden, was very unsettling at first. I kept grasping at something to carry in their place because I wasn’t used to their absence, yet.
At times, I felt so carefree, it startled me! I’d begin to worry about feeling that way because it was something that I didn’t recognize. It may sound nuts but there were times when I’d miss that sense of impending doom, that I’d grown accustomed to living with. However, I’ve moved past that. I no longer carry the burden of my past experiences and I am much better for it now.
When I deleted my old blog, I discovered something totally unexpected. I realized that just as writing about my experiences gave them the validation I needed in order to overcome them, by deleting the blog altogether, those experiences are gone for good, too. And the reason I’ve only sporadically written anything substantial on this new blog this last year and a half is because I am relishing in the healing that writing, and then deleting, my previous blog has brought me.
I am living proof that writing, and sharing, one’s story doesn’t only help us heal but may also help others along their healing journey, as well. It was through sharing my experiences that I found out that I had known Jesus all along even though I may have not known how to see him, yet. In retrospect, I was able to see that all along, God hadn’t forsaken me. He was there even when I least felt his presence-but definitely always when I most needed him because now I know that the Lord is always close to the broken-hearted.
I don’t go to church and I don’t preach the gospel but I see Jesus on a daily basis because I know exactly where to find him!
I see him on my drive to work each morning in the gorgeous fields of pasture that I drive by, I see him in the sunset each evening. I see him in the faces of the people that I love, in their gestures, and in strangers that I encounter each day. I feel his presence in my desire to make the world a better place. I see him even in the most mundane things and it makes my heart swoon with gratitude for all the love that God shows us each moment of every day!
I’m still learning to live in the present, to really appreciate what is in front of me, and to embrace life one day at a time. But just because I may not see Jesus in the same way in which you do, or find him in the same places as you, please don’t assume that I don’t already know him.
I see him and I recognize him everywhere around me and within me! And I hope that you know him too, but I am not here to tell you what he should look like for you. Instead, since Jesus said to love others as we love ourselves, I am working on that. I am being more gentle, more compassionate, and more patient, with myself because I want to love myself better. Only then, will I be able to love others better, too.
Jesus is the only way to the Father. So, isn’t it a good thing that he is wherever each one of us can find him? Because ultimately, whether we know Jesus-or not-doesn’t show in the way in which we judge those around us (and scrutinize their choices) but rather in the way in which we choose to love them unconditionally, just as Jesus loves us.